"Doubt Not." - Me

I  traded my cubical by the window for a shared office in the back of an African Art and Handcraft shop. I gave up my 401k for and uncertain future. I traded my health benefits for the mindset, "I will not get sick." Some assume I'm a little unstable mentally. Some others suggest that I've been taken advantage of or that I will soon learn from an honest mistake. There are people who think the shop can't possibly bring in enough revenue and that I have failed to make a worth while investment in my days to come. It's times like these that I am happy to know that there is only one thing that could hinder my quest to grow. Doubt.

I will not doubt myself and I ask that you doubt not. I assure you that our creator makes no mistakes and so, being connected with such a spirit, I will not either.  That may sound arrogant but just follow me for a second. If my heart is pure. If my conscience intentions are to build up and not to tear down. If I am constantly working on finding the god in myself and in others, every move I make will be in that direction whether it looks that way from the outside or not. 

I've been at my new job officially for three days, though I have been volunteering at the shop for months, and I love it. I love the big store windows and the constant need for attention from the patrons as well as the objects on the shelves. I love our cause and what the shops money goes to support. I'm financing after school programs and helping women in Africa start their own businesses. Who gets to say they do that for a living? I do.  The hours are long and there is always work to be done. The slow days at work are no more and my days of not being held accountable are over. Every move I make will be watched. Everything I sell will be documented and accounted for as well as every deposit I make and every item I order. I will use this opportunity to grow into another phase of my spirituality and really learn to discipline myself when necessary. I will learn a deeper understanding of what it means to walk by faith and not by sight.

Send your energy and prayers my way… I'll need all the help I can get ;)

PEACE!

The Binaba Shop

Feeling the Breeze

Do you know what it feels like to have the heavens open up to you? I didn't. Now I do. Do you know what it feels like to have your dreams come true? I do, in every sense of the meaning. Do you know what it feels like to have a list of things to do.. big things.. things that are important to you.. and to start crossing them off one at a time? I do.

I've been meaning to write.. it's just been one of the hundred-plus things I've been having to find time to do, but the window opened, so here I am. I'm finally starting to practice what I've learned: Let it be. I'm not trying to force windows or doors open anymore. I'm letting them open on their own so I can just go through; I'll save my energy and strength for what's waiting on the other side. The more I let go of the thought that I can control my life, the more it's starting to look like I want it to.

I've come to a place where I love myself enough to let some things go. I'm letting go of the image I'd like to project to other people. I'm going to be what I am, the good and the bad. I'm letting go of all the things I thought I wanted, back when I used to only think of myself. I'm letting go of the fear of being and not being...

A year ago this was all just a picture in my mind. A picture of a life I had faith in. The life I thought I'd have some day if I kept on moving, one step at a time. I've worked hard and there is still more work to be done. I've been busy but I know I'm only going to get busier. Still growing of course, but I'm truly happy and appreciative of all that I have and don't have.

It hasn't been easy but it's getting easier. My time has been spent learning from others and taking time for myself. Reflection is one of my many teachers and I'm not letting anything set my schedule but time itself. I've been practicing patience with myself and with others. I've been loving who I truly am, even when I feel failure for that brief moment or in that one situation. I've been pushing forward even when I feel like quitting.

I wanted to apologize to the people I've not seen or talked to, as well as, the people I see and talk to less. You've been heavy on my heart. I ask that you not hold it against me. I've been taking some time to learn so that I might share. Rest assured when that window opens, I'll be there. 

Send me your energy and pray for me, I promise it won't be in vain… good things are to come from the woman who now lives without shame.

Peace and Love

Out of the silence...

My little sister and I were riding downtown a few weeks ago. She's fourteen and one of the funniest, talented, and most original people I know. Out of the silence she asked, "When you were my age, is this how you thought your life would turn out?" I paused before I answered simply,
"No."

She proceeded to ask me what I thought it would be like. At one point, years ago, I had it carefully planned out, it just took me a second to dig up those memories and recite them. The truth is, I thought I would have graduated college by now, I would be teaching English in someone's middle or high school. I thought I would be married or at least planning my wedding by now and looking forward to ushering babies into this world. The thought of all of that now makes me chuckle for a number of reasons.

I suppose my first thought is, why? Why was it, that at 14, that's what I was thinking about? Society says I need to go to college and graduate in order to be successful, thus happy. Tells us that we need a man (or woman) to keep us company and entertained, and that once you find that him or her the two of you will get married and have children so that they can start the cycle all over. Sorry, but I think that's funny. Not that there is anything wrong with that, if that's your life, but that simple formula can't possibly work for everyone. My second thought is Wow… given my current situation, I was way off. I have only completed, maybe one year of college, I don't even have a boyfriend much less a finance or a husband, and I don't know if I ever even want to have kids of my own.

My good friend Life, the master of duplicity.  I am happy. I am successful. My life is the opposite of what society tells me I should have to be those things. I've got a job that has taught me a lot about life, patience, and people. I have great friends both male and female who are my strength and my good times. They are my company and my entertainment. I've got plenty of nieces and nephews to enjoy without all the hard stuff for the time being, like changing diapers and bearing the late night cries of new or sick baby.

I know there are people out there who are hurting because of what they have been taught. Hurting because they think they have fallen short of expectations of society. People who are unable to be healthy mentally, spiritually, and financially because of the increasingly high demand to do what is "right" or "the norm."  I have learned that there isn't a right or wrong, just what is. The choices you make are your choices. They either build you up or tear you down. You either take the time to examine and learn from them or you don't. You either do what you want or you do what someone else wants you to do.

I want my baby sister, along with the other loves of my life to know that life is what you make it. I don't care if you wear fancy clothes, get a Ph.D., have a husband or wife, walk, run or fly; as long as you feed your mind, body and soul, with vibrant, nutritious, and wholesome things, success will follow you wherever you go. If you so happen to fine those other things along your path, consider yourself truly blessed.

Pride aside and fearless...

As I left the house the other day and shut the door behind me; I caught a glimpse of myself in the screen door and I realized that I had left without even looking at myself. I rolled out of bed that morning, brushed my teeth and washed my face. I did stop for just a moment while clearing the soap suds from my freckles to look into my own eyes for just a second or two. I then dressed, brushed my hair and gathered my things for work that morning.

I couldn't decide why this behavior intrigued me so. Did I not have time to pay the rest of my features some attention that morning? Did I honestly think that I looked perfectly fine and that my routine couldn't possibly fail me after so much practice? Or quite possibly that I simply didn't care what I looked like.

Riding down the road I looked into the review mirror in a self-conscience panic after I realized my carelessness. I re-positioned my ponytail and continued on my way to work. I feel like that's when it all of this started. About a year ago, I had broken barriers with insecurity and I thought I was past the issue until recently. I'm still not completely clear of my cultural and mental debris, it but I'm closer to where I feel I should be.

When I looked into the mirror that morning and into my eyes I wasn't paying them attention, I was more like touching base. Touching base with my true being without really knowing it and I don't really know any other way to put it. I was looking through my eyes, through the window of my soul. Does that make sense? My true being is where my confidence lies, where I see god and where I feel the most comfortable. My true being is  not controlled by my mind and insecurities. So, That morning I really didn't care what I looked like, because I know I'm attractive where it counts. It wasn't until I started thinking about the world I was headed out into that I stopped to rethink my look; thus the re-positioning of the ponytail. My hair is frizzy and my clothes are casual, Im not petite and I don't wear makeup; and although I prefer my glasses to my contacts, I know my beauty radiates from that being I did stop to look at the mirror that morning.

I'm 25-years-old and I'm learning how to live for myself; some people never learn that. I'm searching for and finding who I was truly created to be. I need to be comfortable with me in the midst of family, friends, co-workers, and managers as well as the strangers and passers by. The important people will see and appreciate who I am without the front, without the make up and without the clothes. At the same time, I'll wear the clothes if my true self wants, I'll straighten my hair and put my contacts in if I wish. I've been given this life to live. I'm going to live it, pride aside and fearless, I can say that this is me.

 

Who are you to tell me what's real?
To say I'm not worthy, that I cheat and steal.
I don't know who you think you are,
I know you've been hurt, but don't take it too far.
My dreams are thick with passion and pain,
There's no one to shame, no one to blame.
I see what I see because He lets me,
Opened my eyes and never regrets me.
Tell me a tale of a far away place;
One without boundaries, unacceptance and race.
I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
I can dream one up, easily it pours;
Onto my pages, out of my heart.
For that is where I store my art.
The day holds such beauty, don't sell it short.
Love moves mountains, giant hills of the sort.
Take what is given and give what you took.
Don't forget to share, go ahead write a book.
Count the blessings bestowed upon you,
You can't find the time, it's bigger than you.
All that to say, don't be scared for me,
I know my dreams are reality.

In Loving Memory...

It's been sixteen years since my mother passed.
It's time to put it into words as last.
This time of year always brings some fear;
But still rejoicing in the blessings that are near.

For us independence day takes on a different matter;
Our mother fought bravely but in end it shattered.
Given the choice she would have endured just the same;
In her love there is hope and no room for shame.

I feel her closely watching my steps;
Loving me from a distance, not as far as one might expect.
Her spirit lives on in the pieces we share,
With others who don't know she is even there.

If ever I wish to see her face,
I walk to the mirror and take my place.

Before me I'll meet her in the reflection I see;

Encouraging me to be as brave as she.

I'll fight my fight and take what I can.
She taught me strength, stronger than any man.

My mommy is closer than any of us knew;
So there's no need to feel sad and blue. 

Tasha Dawn
June 13, 1957- July 2, 1995

Birthday Girl

I turned 25 this past week, it was a good birthday. I got to spend time with my family and friends. I received a really great birthday present from some really great people. I have been wondering what this new chapter means for me. Mostly, I am excited to put all my new knowledge into practice. I looked back and realized a few things that have changed about me..

I now prefer a fruit smoothie to a rum and coke;
a platter of roasted vegetables to any kind of roasted meat.
I love the sunny and the rainy days so that everyday is a beautiful one.
I try to look at the things I do have so that there is no room to focus on the things I don't have.
I prefer my men spiritual instead of rich, gorgeous, or well meaning.
It only takes a good 15 minutes of sunlight on my skin to relax me, instead of a blunt.

Life is good. It's so good. I do well to remember the the lessons I have learned and how far I have come. I'm still walking, still growing, and still changing; as well as I can help it, that will never stop.  I have evolved even more rapidly over the last couple months and though it was rough on me I see even brighter and clearer now. I thank all my mentors and teachers for seeing through to this point. I'm an adult and no, my age doesn't determine that but I feel like I have moved passed adolescence and have become a beautiful woman from the inside out.
Peace and love...

My Art

I haven't written in a while, I've been going through some changes. I have taken a seat in front of this computer and started writing many times but didn't finish until now...

I recently realized I was an introvert. I used to think of introverts as the quiet shy people we all come in contact with daily. On the other hand I thought of the extrovert as the loud one who speaks to everyone in passing. It never occurred to me that there is a middle ground for both and that I stand there, slightly less outgoing than I thought. Given my preferences for quiet (alone) time, I am introverted. I love to be left to my own devices, peacefully meditating on my own thoughts both fact and fiction.

My father is a really gifted artist. My big sister is a great writer and about as creative as they get. My oldest brother a math genius. My younger brother has many talents, I couldn't list them all. My little sister can play more than two instruments and can draw just about anything. Even my extended family is full of singers and writers; artists of various kinds. When I was a teenager I realized that my greatest gift was my imagination.

I have been writing since I was seven. I was sent to my room for getting in trouble on the school bus, alone in my room, I wrote a song about it on the back of my sister Falon's paper Barbie. About the same age I would sit at the kitchen table and watch my oldest sister do her homework. The way the pen moved in her hand was captivating. I loved the way her letters curled and the way the ink moved effortlessly across the lines of her notebook paper. I don't know if she made good grades or if she really put herself into her assignments but I do know that the art of her penmanship made me want to write. It was on the blank canvas of the lined paper that I started to diverge my deepest thoughts and dreams. As the words became more and more familiar I developed a love for them. The way they looked on paper, the way they sounded when spoken, even the origin and the definition became colorful to me.

Almost anyone who has known me over the last ten years will tell you I've never been fighter. A punch you in the face, drop kick you in the mouth, beast of sorts; but I would hurt your feelings. I will use my words to make you wish I had broken your arm or ripped out you hair. I'm past these malicious urges by now of course, but I say that to say that my writing has always been my biggest defense and shelter. It's been my companion on sad and happy nights; my go to when things seem off or odd.

I want to pour me out on to the pages. I want to see me in the loopy handwriting that Tasha and her daughters share. I've discovered so much love and meaning in this body of mine and I now feel obligated to share it through my words. Thank you for being apart of that, thank you for wanting to see my art.

Heaven Sent

Every year I'm anxious as Mother's Day rolls around. It starts a few weeks prior as I listen to the people around me make Mother's Day plans and start mentioning Mother's Day gifts. I may buy a few Mother's Day cards but never the card for "Mother," they are always under the label, "For Someone Special."

I wake up every Mother's Day, not knowing if I will be able to keep it together. Will I be able to wish others a Happy Mother's Day without getting a lump in my throat? Can I lift my head and watch the others around me enjoying time with their mothers? Today the answer was yes, yes I could. I said Happy Mother's Day to many this morning and afternoon without the notorious lump. I watched as other people confirmed their dinner plans and talk about how good "mom's" cooking is.

Today as I sat in church, I listened to the  honoring of mothers for all that they do. All the examples given I couldn't relate to. I couldn't say to myself, yea, I did that with my mom; because I didn't. My mother was not able to be there for my first boyfriend, my first volleyball match, or for prom. I sat in my seat and asked God, why am I here? Why am I listening to this? Why am I being subjected to this torturous event? God answered quickly...

I started to think of all those motherly examples given and I realized that I did have all of those experiences; they just weren't with Tasha Dawn. I had those experiences with a handful of special women God placed in my life to get me through those moments of growth. It was that handful of special women who took me under their wing out of the goodness of their own hearts and did all the things I knew my mother would have done. It was this group of special women who took me shopping when it was time to go back to school and did my hair when it needed to be done. It was them who I talked about my crushes to and it was them who gave me affection when I wanted and needed it most. It was them who Invited me to their homes and made me a comfortable bed to sleep in when I needed to get away. It was them who encouraged me to be and see and do all I ever wanted. It was them who honored my mother just by taking care of the daughter she wasn't able to be with.

Though I am not yet a mother, I am proud of the woman I have become. I thank God for a wonderful mother who I know loved me very much and for sending angels to watch over me.

Happy Mother's Day

Home Sweet Home

Long week..long day. I got a lot of sleep last night but I'm really tired. Had a great day in church. I'm amazed at the people around me and how they give so much time to such a worthy place and for a worthy cause. I've never been to a church like mine; where the idea that everything is done for the sake of others.

We don't have a big fancy building with plasma screens or marble floors. We don't have tons of people walking in and out of our doors every Sunday morning. What we have is a beautiful but small place to worship with several people walking in and out those doors almost everyday of the week. We do for others, we give for others. I feel like one day…and one day soon I might add, we will be the big church on the hill but right now the quality surpasses the quantity greatly.

About a year ago I told myself I wasn't going to church anymore. What I probably meant to say was that I wasn't going to go to just any church anymore. I know God brought me there for a reason. I was in need of a home. I needed a place to go back to time and time again. Go back for nourishment and comfort; 2002 Mercer Avenue is where I found it. Today after all was said and done I just sat there. Sat in the pew and finished my lunch while the musicians practiced. It was as if I was sitting on the couch at my house. I suppose I was, just relaxing in my home away from home.

If you haven't, I encourage you to seek God in your own way and a home away from home for yourself. I don't know how I got along without mine for so long. A place to encourage and lift you up. A place that you are eager to get to, and where you don't want to leave. A place where you can lend a helping hand and be a blessing and encouragement for others.

I know that living for yourself and for the moment is easy and popular but just take a second and try living for someone else. You never know how it might make you feel…just sayin..

Called Out

I had a great day. I was excited to go to church. I had homemade strawberry-banana waffles in my tummy so I didn't have to stop by the Shell Station to get breakfast.  The weather was beautiful; I always like it when the sun is out before I am. I got to church and started learning immediately. PK called me out on something and it was hard to swallow at first but the lesson needed to be heard and implemented. Our Guest speaker was great. He hit all the points I have been trying to make for sometime now and I'm glad to have that confirmation…the only way to live is for others.

I have learned over the last few months that I am making a difference and growing with the relationships I build and maintain everyday. Old friends and new, the poor and the rich, the sinners and the saints. Everyone needs love.  Everyone I come across needs someone who cares. Everyone. It's amazing how one life lesson ties to the next and then to another. They are all connected. Love God and love your neighbor as yourself. That sums it up, it's what I'm striving for. I can't lie and say that it's always easy because I think we all know that it's not. It doesn't have to be as hard though, with a little yielding. Yielding to the spirit within that urges us to do the right thing can get easier if we would just practice.

I'm going to practice more. So…if you see me in the street and I don't look like I'm loving, call me out because God has called me forth to do just that. I don't want to disappoint.

A New Season

I noticed the change in seasons a few weeks ago…and I'm not just talking about the weather. It's about time I was shifted again. To another level, to another time. God is so faithful. He knows just what we need and when we need it. The only difference between now and then is that I'm not fighting it this time. I'm not being moved from one place in my life to another, kicking and screaming.

I've seen this coming so many times now, that I can almost smell the change as it grows near. Things I thought were impossible months ago, are now not so impossible. The things I thought were fact weeks ago, now suddenly seem questionable. One thing is for certain and that is, whatever this new wind may bring it's going to help me grow and bring me closer to where I want to be and that's with Him. I want to see God in everything that I do. I want to see him in every word I speak. I want to love so much that no one will be able to deny that I am a daughter of God, chosen for my fathers good work.

I won't let anything stop me. Not my feelings of the past and missing the way things used to be; not even the fear of the unknown. Funny enough, everything pretty much seems like the "unknown" these days. I only ask for God's grace and mercy as I cross over into this new phase. I thank him for the times I've had here in this one. There is more work to be done, more good times to be had. I am finally excited to see what changes will come.

Thank you Lord for your peace.

My Confrontation

I've never been good with change. I guess there are some people out there who are, I just know I've never been a big fan. I've been experiencing a lot of change lately and I am doing my best not to freak out. My life has changed dramatically over the last few years and that is scary. I've had my moments, all you have to do is ask those closest to me. I've been fighting the changes but it's been brought to my attention that that's not Godly living. I can say it all day long but unless I live the fact that God is my provider and shelter then I'm not doing any better than before.

I have not only had physical changes but also and most importantly emotional and spiritual changes. These changes are not only coming but they are coming at multiple levels and at times when I least expect it. There are things and issues in my life that I thought I overcame years ago but are suddenly popping back up and presenting themselves. My being and believing is being put to the test it seems and I feel like if I don't pay attention I will fail.

I feel like my roots have been getting stronger over the last couple years but my leaves are being shaken. I'm scared to lose my leaves. Oh man, that makes me laugh. I'm the tree who's scared to lose it's leaves. Then I want to complain when spring comes because all the other trees have new ones, while I'm sitting here sporting the same raggedy leaves I had the year before.

For so long I've been dealing with the change as it comes. I've been anxious about it and resistant until it over comes me and I have no other choice but to make the most of it.  For the most part, I'm thankful for it in the end but I'm tired of living that way. I want to get excited about the change instead of anxious. I'd like to welcome the change instead of resist it. I want to say I worked with it to make it great, instead of worked on it to make it OK.

A slow and steady process but a process none the less. Baby steps are still steps, even though they are small. My goal for the week is to take some small steps toward accepting change a little better. Try not to fight it, flow with it. We'll see how that goes…

Beautiful Days

It was a beautiful day today, in more ways than one. Church was nice, it's my favorite place to be. What made it even better is that I didn't have to sit by myself again today. I noticed that it is more fun when you have someone with you that can identify with what's being said and call you out when needed. It was nice to go to lunch afterward and talk about the lesson/sermon. My friends and I then went out and shot some basketball an empty elementary school in my old neighborhood. The sun was bright but not too hot, the buds on the trees are starting to turn their crimson color. I was the first one out in a game of Horse. I whined and pouted like I usually do when I lose; I'll be the first to tell you that I'm a poor sport. That's only because making a big deal out of losing makes the rest of the game enjoyable for me :)

Then we went to my second favorite place…the grocery store. Triss and I filled the basket with all kinds of goodies to be had. Once home I started dinner. It was a good night I'm still enjoying it. A couple good movies, good food and laughs…clean sober fun (there is such a thing).

I am living and loving my life. I have made many mistakes and will make plenty more but I'm peaceful and content with what I have. I can't imaging living any other way. I love to have my friends close. Although I miss my family and hope one day we won't be so far apart, I'm working toward that day when they will be here, enjoying with me. Until that day I will do my best to remember there are always people worse off than me. There are plenty of things I didn't have before but have now. I can all ways do better but I will always be ok, even when the world around me seems to be crumbling and even if it really is. Life is what we make it.

I could complain about not having a cool car or a high paying job. I could beat myself up because I'm not in school and because I just can't be everywhere and everything that I and the people I love wish for me to be. My daily struggle is fighting the urge to live selfishly and pretend that my world is most important when I know that it's not. I know that those aren't the things that really matter.

We live in a society and culture that always has to put themselves first. I've learned that I don't have to worry about me because God has a plan. It's been working so far; I will do my best to not try and drive. I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride.

A Gift From the Water

I was baptized today. I was told and I felt that it would be a transforming experience. Some said they saw rainbows when they rose from the water. Some said the grass looked greener. Some said the Holy Spirit would make itself known to me in a powerful way. I didn't know what to expect for myself. I just knew that it was going to be good.

This morning I literally woke up to the sound of rain on my window. I had been feeling a little anxious so I prayed for calmed nerves wanting to be able to fully enjoy this experience and I feel like that helped a lot. I got up and had breakfast. I got dressed. I drove to church and attended Sunday School. I changed into the white robe that was provided for me; all with a smile on my face. No clammy hands and no shaking. I was led into the sanctuary and then into the water without the thought of the many people who had come to see me. Without the thought that I might look stupid like I did before, when I was a child. I saw all the white around me and the lights as a sense of peace saturated me. I was plunged into the water and brought back up. Soaking wet, I stood there and cried.

As I began to climb out of the water, it was then that I stopped to think about all the people that were there to see me. I also thought about the familiar faces I saw every Sunday and I stopped to wave. I smiled and waved to the crowd.

I changed out of my wet clothes and went back to sit with my friends. I was happy. I was glad I did it but I didn't see the immediate transformation... I hadn't seen rainbows. I thought for a second or two that maybe I had done something wrong. Maybe my heart wasn't opened wide enough. I didn't see anything about the sanctuary that looked different and I had been feeling the Holy spirit a long time before I went into the water. Anyway, I made my way to my seat and closed my eyes during praise and worship. I felt complete comfort standing in that room; that was when I realized what that water brought me…

confidence |ˈkänfədəns; -fəˌdens|
noun
• the state of feeling certain about the truth of something

Fear has always been an issue for me. Ask anyone who's known me six months or more. I don't like scary movies or spiders. I don't sing loud enough for anyone to hear and I don't like change. I probably won't watch scary movies but the spiders don't bother me too much. I sang in church and I am embracing the change in my life. God has given me many useful tools to fulfill my work but I feel like the confidence I received today is one of the most important. I'm comfortable being me. Im a woman of God and know the truth about who I am.

I can feel certain that I will make mistakes and I am certain that I will be able to learn from them. I am positive that I'm beautiful no matter what because my inner light will always shine the brightest. This is the day that the lord has made, I am glad in it.

Can't stop, Won't stop

"Don't let your heart be led by your eyes." I don't remember where I heard it exactly, I'm sure it's been said many times, in many different ways; but I like it. I'm doing my best; I'm rrrrrrrreally trying. Years and years of culture and wrong thinking to undo for sure. I just don't know where to begin sometimes. LUCKILY, I know someone who knows how to show me a little at a time so I don't freak out. The process of being changed for the better is quite tiresome, if you didn't know.

How convenient would it be if I could follow the things I saw instead of following what I know in my heart and mind to be true. This is a misleading and cruel world sometimes. I'm operating out of a more powerful mindset now though. I would like to think that if I wanted to be a good person than I would just be; but no. Its a decision that you make to give your life for others. Selfless. Think about, wholly and honestly selfless, so that you might lead a better life as well as those around you. A lot to ask and a little extreme but man…if you could impart that kind of giving to the world think about where we would be? What would our children have to look forward to? What peace and fulfillment we would have if we could just give a little more, have a little more faith? I know this might sound corny but if you think about it…where would we be if Thomas Edison, Leonardo Da Vinci, or Martin Luther King Jr., (yes, I put them all in the "dreamers" category) didn't try to obtain something that wasn't set before them already. They had dreams, they saw something bigger and better and went after it.

Yea, I could chill out and act like nothing around me matters. I could say that I don't care what kind of world my kids will live in when I'm gone but that's just not fact. I was born to care. I volunteer because I care. I do my best to help those in need because I care. I'm not sorry for that. I'm not sorry for the nights of selfishness I missed because I was doing good for someone or something else. Indifference is not in me. Hard it will be, but I got this. I'm going to walk the road less traveled by and I know that will make all the difference.

I admit

Short and sweet...I don't want to be a judgy-judger; I try my best not to be. I'm only human, I'm going to make assumptions when things are presented and they don't look normal. Not being a judgy-judger, I will make it a point to evaluate those initial feelings and discard them if they don't belong.

I only want to be what I was meant to be, I can only conclude that the others around me and even those who aren't, want the same thing. It's taken years but I realize now that my perfection lies in the beauty of my differences and the way I accept others for theirs; good or bad, right or wrong. I will admit that I feel as though I am smart person. I think highly of myself with the exception of  few self conscience areas that I'm working on. I like to learn, though it's not always easy. On occasion, I do like to be the center of attention because I feel like I'm as good as anyone to pay attention to. I try to be the positive light in this dark and negative world. I admit that I like to look good, I want people to see me coming and remember me when I go. You might call me vain and that word isn't the most positive one but when you look at it's synonyms they aren't all bad…just saying. I do love myself. If I didn't, I wouldn't fully be capable of loving others.

I'm proud of who I am and where I've come from. On the other hand I need to be understanding to the fact that not everyone comes from the same place. In addition, not everyone is in the same place in their life as I am. With much learned, I know there is much still to be learned. I don't want to miss the opportunity to be educated because I'm being a judgy-judger. Life is good, I'm going to treat it as such and let those around me see that they can enjoy and be themselves as well. I will let them learn their lessons at their own pace and if or when they need me, I'll be around.

I Won't Complain

When people ask me how I'm doing, I have made a habit of answering by saying, "I'm doing well, I really can't complain." I get various responses but I just think it sums up how I should feel and I do. When I really think about it, I have no reason, no issues so big I should even complain about them.  I've been given so much but in reality I have made a part time job out of complaining. I'm tired, I'm hungry, I don't want to call this person, that person is annoying, I don't feel like it, and the list just goes on. Today I apologize. I'm sorry to those people I haven't been patient with. I'm also sorry to those who have to hear me complain. I know it's wrong when I do it so I'm in the process of stopping; bare with me...

My apology to God goes like this, taken from the 23rd Psalm:

Lord you are my father so I shouldn't want, or complain.
You insist I lay down in the sun, you walk with me down the beach and beside the quiet lake.
You repair my spirit and guide me through my journey to Christ-likeness for the expansion of your Kingdom.
As I walk through this valley with the thought of death all around me; I fear nothing because I know that you are always with me.
Your word and your spirit ease my discomfort.
You make a place for me among my enemies and you bless me from head to foot so that my heart overflows.
I know that kindness and love will be with me as long as I live and beyond.
I will live in your heart and you in mine for eternity.

I think it's important we remember those who have little to nothing; little to no food, running water, electricity, jobs, family, friends. I'm sorry to all of those I forgot about in the midst of my ungratefulness. I'm going to make you a part of Do Better 2011.. Sorry I didn't do it before Valentine's Day but I figure better late than never. I feel like it's the best kind of Valentine's day gift; a piece of my heart… though, I do like roses ;)

Strength

I have always been a strong person. I grew up with three brothers who I loved to hang out with, they were always putting me to the test. Could I run as fast, climb as high, or jump as far as them? My emotional strength was tested as a young age as well in more than one or two ways. I think of myself as a survivor; using every opportunity whether I wanted to or not, to prove I could hold up and in the end, stand strong.

This is the last week of the fast; only four days left. I did it. There was never a thought in my mind that I wouldn't but I thought it was going to be hard. Now that we are at the end, I wouldn't describe it as hard or tedious but more like a long walk in the sun toward the nearest fresh water spring. Walking isn't difficult but when you add the factors of heat and distance it's just.. uncomfortable. The thought of the fresh spring in the end is the confidence and knowledge that have been taught to me during this time. It even crossed my mind to keep going with the fast. I really wanted to continue the journey, learning and growing but I must remember that this isn't the end, it's just a rest stop. I will eventually start walking again, so I realize it would be smarter to spend some time with this spring and sip my cool water, for I know that I'll need my strength for the next leg of this trip.

Over the last five and a half weeks I have seen my life transform. I have taken action and made choices that will better my life and the lives of others. I still have plenty to do but I am off to a great start; it's no longer foreign to do what I say I'm going to do, like so many others out there who would like to make a difference. My good intentions have taken on a life of their own and made their way from my heart, to my head, and out of my hands.

My training is almost complete and my graduation day is coming. The girl is now a woman and I feel good about where I am and where I've been. I am grateful for the strength I've found in myself. So thankful for the confidence that I have gained. This has been an incredible experience and I can't wait for the next. I will take my rest and have my sweets when the clock releases me from my commitment but I won't forget the lessons that I learn. I was put to the test and passed with flying colors, if I may say so myself.. :)

My First Love

When you think about your first love you could be thinking of a number of things. First boyfriend, car, or even a family pet, for some. My vision of my first love changed today. Now, when I hear those words, I think of God. He was my first true love. I remember standing before Him years ago, knowing what God's presents felt like. I remember the feeling of power and comfort as I returned to my seat and later home to begin living my life with Him. 

Years have past since I gave my life to Christ. I left, not lost him for a while, and now it's been years since I've rededicated my life to serving Him. Today my vision of His love was completed. Through the last couple weeks I've been concentrating on loving God, myself, and others. This past week the power of God's love was all I could think about. His patience, kindness, and grace. Forgiving me of all my mistakes and then turning those mistakes into valuable lessons that I needed to learn. He's constantly loving me and protecting me no matter what. 

I've been looking for the power. The power to stay awake when I haven't had much sleep. The power to think before I speak. The power to be patient with the ones I love and not judge too quickly or too late. I always knew these things were necessary but I also needed the power to manifest those things in myself; in my actions and not just my words. Like that first boyfriend I stayed up all night to talk to…God will give me the strength to do the same for him and more. He shows me his power when I keep beating my head against the wall with the same mistakes. He shows me the right way then sits back so that I may follow when I'm ready and understand. The ultimate teacher and friend. 

When I started this blog it wasn't my intention for it to be all about my spiritual life. I wanted to make sure anyone who wanted to take a look at me and see my experiences comfortably, could. I see now that I can't separate the two. This is me. God is in me and I'm doing everything I can to make sure that this is known to Him and the world. That you not only hear it but believe it. Not only read it on paper but really see it in my thoughts. 

I'm just as eager to please God now as I was that night my small knees hit the alter, probably even more. For now I know what that blood cost. Now I know the dangers and heartache of this world and all the protection and comfort I'm going to need to get through.  

-But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33 

I seek first his kingdom and I feel as if I have it all. God is my first love, my first and my last. 

*A special thanks to my church family for listening and sharing all God has taught you so that I might learn and see the light.

Dream with me...You're officially invited

I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's no better feeling than knowing you are right where you are supposed to be. I was getting nervous; wondering if I was working as hard as I should have been. To tell the truth I'm doing well. I met with quite a few people this week and I enjoyed them as much as I think they enjoyed me. I'm learning a lot from the people who have been brought to me and I thank God for those special people. 

For a long time I thought it was the city with the problems and issues but I realized this week that it's the mentality of it's residents that need enlightening. I should have known all along but I was looking from the wrong point of view. The hope has been run right out of this place, multiple reasons are to blame, I'm sure. I really don't think that's the important part though. I think the question is… how do we fix it? I honestly feel there are people and entities around that are trying to change that. I'm going to let them do what they can do, while I will do what I can do. Our efforts aren't manifested in the same way but we'll see what works and what doesn't.

I was struggling, trying to find time for this and for that. I caught myself saying several times this week, that I just didn't have anytime anymore. I realize now that I better get used to it. I realize that this will be my life. Giving myself to others for their advancement and me being fulfilled in the end, seeing the way they grow and take more from life. This is what I've wanted and I've been doing it all along. Every time I open my mouth to start a conversation. Every time I'm in a bad mood but smile at the stranger in passing anyway. This is my hobby. People. 

I don't know where this passion came from, my dad says it's in my blood. Some might say it was God or the way I was brought up. I feel it's a combination of all those things. What a perfect way to spend life. Getting to know others on a personal level and help them see that their dreams don't have to be ignored. They don't have to stay where they are, they can elevate their minds, spirits, along with the amount of money in their pockets. I encourage you to dare to dream. Don't be like the rest of those who are scared to. Don't be afraid to work hard for what you want. How else will you enjoy it when you reach that goal? 

I have been given every reason in the world to not care; to be like the rest. I just can't do it. I'm a dreamer. I've seen the way a little faith and discipline can mold my life for the better. I like it here, where I am on this journey but I know this is nowhere near the end of the road. It excites me to think about what will come next. It can only get better, I won't settle for less. 

For Auntie

Well two weeks down only…five more to go. This week I was lucky to have been shown even more. I feel like I've entered boot camp and the instructor is kicking my butt. I like it though. I can certainly feel the burn. Sorry for being corny but I feel like that is a great description of what's going on and how I feel. All week the message has been…It's time time to start moving. Time to start putting all those lessons, observations, and experiences into action. Don't talk about it, be about it. 

I was recently in school for Social Science, I decided I didn't want to do it. I have been learning out in the real world far to long and I'm just not ready for the classroom yet. I guess I can't get enough of the hands on training. The story is that I want to make a difference. I want to share God and his love with everyone I come in contact with. I want this poor dying city of mine to find a new light.

My dad called me yesterday and said, "You want to go into public service? Then do it. Start now, get out there damn it, and start talking to people."  As much as I hate to say it sometimes, he's right. I don't have to have a degree to know there are issues out here that need fixing and I don't need a degree to shine my light and lend a helping hand. I've got a voice, vote, and mind that when put to good use can serve me and this city well. It's time to stop being a watcher and start being a doer. I must be the change I wish to see in the world.  I don't feel like that's going to get done by sitting behind a desk eight hours a day or just complaining about it with my friends. I've got a good group of people around who can help get me started and that's what I intend to do.

I know people have a hard time realizing that real change can happen. I think about what tomorrow is and why I took off from work. Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream is slowly but surly coming to pass. It started with an Idea, a notion that one day things could be different. You think about what he and his followers went through. The sit-ins, the threats, and the jail time. The amazing things an idea can do when backed up by action and unity.

I'm really looking forward to this new chapter. Looking forward to getting into the worries and cares of those around me. I want to do this together. I want to get to the bottom of things and work out a resolution. 

Most of my friends think I'm too much of an idealist. I don't care. I don't care how crazy I sound or what people might think. I just know I'm not going to be a complainer. I'm not going to sit powerless and I'm not going down without a fight. 

Seven Days...

It's been about a week. No smoke, no drink and no sweets and in the words of Wanday…I'm ok with that :) I feel like a grown up. I feel like not only my heart is in the right place but my mind is starting to make the right moves as well. 

A couple weeks ago I didn't feel like I was the awesome woman I wanted to be. I mean, I knew I was on the awesome woman path. That destination was guaranteed because I knew I wasn't going to quit making progress until I was there. After a couple bad days and some much needed enlightenment at bible study I found that I am her and she is me. 

Months ago I felt like God was preparing me for a fast. I didn't know when or how but I knew that it was coming. I knew that the time was going to present itself and it was up to me to take ahold of the opportunity for growth. When my pastor mentioned a church-wide fast a couple months ago I was less than surprised, for I felt the change drawing near. She asked us to give up one thing we that we felt maybe distracting and/or hindering us from gaining a deeper relationship with God. After thinking about the fast for a couple weeks and trying to decide what I would be fasting it came down to three things that I felt would be good candidates for the sacrifice:

My smoking was a crutch; I used it to get through my day. When I felt bored or when I felt stressed that what I would do. Instead of calling on God to instruct me I would get hi. The expensive habit that It was, I knew it had to be broken. 

My drinking was something fun to do on the weekends and a way to let lose and feel good with my friends. Not a terrible problem. I wasn't getting drunk or drinking everyday or even every weekend for that matter but I know the liquor isn't good for me and a nice break could do me some good. I thought it might be nice to try having a bit of fun without it. 

Sweets grabbed me when I recently gave up meat. I started slow and gave up poultry, pork, and beef several months ago. I kept eating the fish knowing one day I would stop eating it also but wanted to pace myself. When I gave up fish and seafood a few months ago I turned to sweets for eating pleasure. The holidays were the worst, sitting at the dinner table with a baked potato and green beans on my plate. The Thanksgiving dinner I usually couldn't get enough of was heavily  laden with meat products, so I guilt-freely indulged on the meat-free pie that came afterward. I continued to eat my way though the holiday cookies and cakes until I realized I had an issue on my hands. I had become addicted to sugar. Without spending too much time Googling you will see why this is a terrible thing. Years ago I realized that if my body isn't well enough to do what God is asking of me, I'm worthless to the advancement of His kingdom. I feel like too many Christians fail to realize or get serious about the fact that physical and spiritual health go hand in hand.

Moving forward, I was at bible study one Wednesday night with a friend of mine still trying to figure out which bad habit would go, when I heard God's voice say, "Fast all three."

"All three?" I asked myself.

"All three." He replied.

I wanted to forget what I had heard but I couldn't. God said it and that settled it. Seven days down and I feel good. I'm not going to tell you this is how I have felt all week because it's not. Monday morning I passed a handful of items I wanted to get my hands on before I had even taken my first break. I find the sweets have been, by far, the hardest thing to get out of my mind but I'm doing well. I haven't even added sugar or honey to my tea. 

In my first week I've been shown many things about myself I never knew or just ignored. I thank God for the clarity and peace He has brought. I thank God for the strength He has provided and put inside me for such times as these. I'm seeing the power and speed in God as I learn to surrender and obey His will for me and not to my own. 

Pray that I may be enlightened further and my eyes opened wider. Pray I don't lose it when I pass the "Hot Now" sign at the Krispy Kreme down the street. Also, Importantly, pray for your own revelation and see what God has for you.  

Happy New Year

I woke up a little before noon in a bed that wasn't mine. Funny enough, I wake up in a bed that isn't mine everyday (thanks for sharing Wanday) but this morning it wasn't the same strange bed that is now familiar. I know what you are thinking… and you can stop. It wasn't a strangers bed nor was there a stranger in the bed beside me. I drank an awful lot of rum last night at a friends house and decided that I should stay the night. So I picked a bed and slept there, instead of risking me getting arrested or killing someone while driving home. Waking up in this unfamiliar bed, I was actually being responsible; how about that.  It's interesting to me how things can look crazy from the outside but still be the best and most reasonable decision when it all boils down. 

By what could have only been a miracle of God, I woke up without a hangover. No headache or vomit,  just hungry. From the walk to my car and while riding home I felt nothing but peace. Peace in my heart and mind, peace seemed to be blowing warm air through the vents of my Toyota Echo. I had my gospel mix in the cd player and sang aloud thanking God for another beautiful day and year. It wasn't too cold outside and I felt good in the bright new sweater I was wearing. I can feel the good things that are coming this year. I feel the change in me and my surroundings. 

This year I didn't make resolutions, I have switched to promises. I can't wait to see myself carry them out. My motto for 2011 is: Do Better. Think smarter, learn faster, love harder, and smile while doing it. I have no complaints. I'm exactly where I need to be. I know from the outside my life looks like a complete disaster, but that will all change soon. I've been rebuilt from the inside and that renovation is about to expand to the outside as well. I am a new creation in Christ and I am finally starting to see myself as the wonderful person my creator intended me to be. No more excuses or saying that "I'll try," no sir, it's go time and I'm on the move. 

In this new year opportunity will be seized and I will walk the road less traveled by. 

I wish you luck on your endeavors this year and I will keep you posted (literally) on mine.