As I left the house the other day and shut the door behind me; I caught a glimpse of myself in the screen door and I realized that I had left without even looking at myself. I rolled out of bed that morning, brushed my teeth and washed my face. I did stop for just a moment while clearing the soap suds from my freckles to look into my own eyes for just a second or two. I then dressed, brushed my hair and gathered my things for work that morning.
I couldn't decide why this behavior intrigued me so. Did I not have time to pay the rest of my features some attention that morning? Did I honestly think that I looked perfectly fine and that my routine couldn't possibly fail me after so much practice? Or quite possibly that I simply didn't care what I looked like.
Riding down the road I looked into the review mirror in a self-conscience panic after I realized my carelessness. I re-positioned my ponytail and continued on my way to work. I feel like that's when it all of this started. About a year ago, I had broken barriers with insecurity and I thought I was past the issue until recently. I'm still not completely clear of my cultural and mental debris, it but I'm closer to where I feel I should be.
When I looked into the mirror that morning and into my eyes I wasn't paying them attention, I was more like touching base. Touching base with my true being without really knowing it and I don't really know any other way to put it. I was looking through my eyes, through the window of my soul. Does that make sense? My true being is where my confidence lies, where I see god and where I feel the most comfortable. My true being is not controlled by my mind and insecurities. So, That morning I really didn't care what I looked like, because I know I'm attractive where it counts. It wasn't until I started thinking about the world I was headed out into that I stopped to rethink my look; thus the re-positioning of the ponytail. My hair is frizzy and my clothes are casual, Im not petite and I don't wear makeup; and although I prefer my glasses to my contacts, I know my beauty radiates from that being I did stop to look at the mirror that morning.
I'm 25-years-old and I'm learning how to live for myself; some people never learn that. I'm searching for and finding who I was truly created to be. I need to be comfortable with me in the midst of family, friends, co-workers, and managers as well as the strangers and passers by. The important people will see and appreciate who I am without the front, without the make up and without the clothes. At the same time, I'll wear the clothes if my true self wants, I'll straighten my hair and put my contacts in if I wish. I've been given this life to live. I'm going to live it, pride aside and fearless, I can say that this is me.
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