My Confrontation

I've never been good with change. I guess there are some people out there who are, I just know I've never been a big fan. I've been experiencing a lot of change lately and I am doing my best not to freak out. My life has changed dramatically over the last few years and that is scary. I've had my moments, all you have to do is ask those closest to me. I've been fighting the changes but it's been brought to my attention that that's not Godly living. I can say it all day long but unless I live the fact that God is my provider and shelter then I'm not doing any better than before.

I have not only had physical changes but also and most importantly emotional and spiritual changes. These changes are not only coming but they are coming at multiple levels and at times when I least expect it. There are things and issues in my life that I thought I overcame years ago but are suddenly popping back up and presenting themselves. My being and believing is being put to the test it seems and I feel like if I don't pay attention I will fail.

I feel like my roots have been getting stronger over the last couple years but my leaves are being shaken. I'm scared to lose my leaves. Oh man, that makes me laugh. I'm the tree who's scared to lose it's leaves. Then I want to complain when spring comes because all the other trees have new ones, while I'm sitting here sporting the same raggedy leaves I had the year before.

For so long I've been dealing with the change as it comes. I've been anxious about it and resistant until it over comes me and I have no other choice but to make the most of it.  For the most part, I'm thankful for it in the end but I'm tired of living that way. I want to get excited about the change instead of anxious. I'd like to welcome the change instead of resist it. I want to say I worked with it to make it great, instead of worked on it to make it OK.

A slow and steady process but a process none the less. Baby steps are still steps, even though they are small. My goal for the week is to take some small steps toward accepting change a little better. Try not to fight it, flow with it. We'll see how that goes…

Beautiful Days

It was a beautiful day today, in more ways than one. Church was nice, it's my favorite place to be. What made it even better is that I didn't have to sit by myself again today. I noticed that it is more fun when you have someone with you that can identify with what's being said and call you out when needed. It was nice to go to lunch afterward and talk about the lesson/sermon. My friends and I then went out and shot some basketball an empty elementary school in my old neighborhood. The sun was bright but not too hot, the buds on the trees are starting to turn their crimson color. I was the first one out in a game of Horse. I whined and pouted like I usually do when I lose; I'll be the first to tell you that I'm a poor sport. That's only because making a big deal out of losing makes the rest of the game enjoyable for me :)

Then we went to my second favorite place…the grocery store. Triss and I filled the basket with all kinds of goodies to be had. Once home I started dinner. It was a good night I'm still enjoying it. A couple good movies, good food and laughs…clean sober fun (there is such a thing).

I am living and loving my life. I have made many mistakes and will make plenty more but I'm peaceful and content with what I have. I can't imaging living any other way. I love to have my friends close. Although I miss my family and hope one day we won't be so far apart, I'm working toward that day when they will be here, enjoying with me. Until that day I will do my best to remember there are always people worse off than me. There are plenty of things I didn't have before but have now. I can all ways do better but I will always be ok, even when the world around me seems to be crumbling and even if it really is. Life is what we make it.

I could complain about not having a cool car or a high paying job. I could beat myself up because I'm not in school and because I just can't be everywhere and everything that I and the people I love wish for me to be. My daily struggle is fighting the urge to live selfishly and pretend that my world is most important when I know that it's not. I know that those aren't the things that really matter.

We live in a society and culture that always has to put themselves first. I've learned that I don't have to worry about me because God has a plan. It's been working so far; I will do my best to not try and drive. I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride.

A Gift From the Water

I was baptized today. I was told and I felt that it would be a transforming experience. Some said they saw rainbows when they rose from the water. Some said the grass looked greener. Some said the Holy Spirit would make itself known to me in a powerful way. I didn't know what to expect for myself. I just knew that it was going to be good.

This morning I literally woke up to the sound of rain on my window. I had been feeling a little anxious so I prayed for calmed nerves wanting to be able to fully enjoy this experience and I feel like that helped a lot. I got up and had breakfast. I got dressed. I drove to church and attended Sunday School. I changed into the white robe that was provided for me; all with a smile on my face. No clammy hands and no shaking. I was led into the sanctuary and then into the water without the thought of the many people who had come to see me. Without the thought that I might look stupid like I did before, when I was a child. I saw all the white around me and the lights as a sense of peace saturated me. I was plunged into the water and brought back up. Soaking wet, I stood there and cried.

As I began to climb out of the water, it was then that I stopped to think about all the people that were there to see me. I also thought about the familiar faces I saw every Sunday and I stopped to wave. I smiled and waved to the crowd.

I changed out of my wet clothes and went back to sit with my friends. I was happy. I was glad I did it but I didn't see the immediate transformation... I hadn't seen rainbows. I thought for a second or two that maybe I had done something wrong. Maybe my heart wasn't opened wide enough. I didn't see anything about the sanctuary that looked different and I had been feeling the Holy spirit a long time before I went into the water. Anyway, I made my way to my seat and closed my eyes during praise and worship. I felt complete comfort standing in that room; that was when I realized what that water brought me…

confidence |ˈkänfədəns; -fəˌdens|
noun
• the state of feeling certain about the truth of something

Fear has always been an issue for me. Ask anyone who's known me six months or more. I don't like scary movies or spiders. I don't sing loud enough for anyone to hear and I don't like change. I probably won't watch scary movies but the spiders don't bother me too much. I sang in church and I am embracing the change in my life. God has given me many useful tools to fulfill my work but I feel like the confidence I received today is one of the most important. I'm comfortable being me. Im a woman of God and know the truth about who I am.

I can feel certain that I will make mistakes and I am certain that I will be able to learn from them. I am positive that I'm beautiful no matter what because my inner light will always shine the brightest. This is the day that the lord has made, I am glad in it.