Out of the silence...

My little sister and I were riding downtown a few weeks ago. She's fourteen and one of the funniest, talented, and most original people I know. Out of the silence she asked, "When you were my age, is this how you thought your life would turn out?" I paused before I answered simply,
"No."

She proceeded to ask me what I thought it would be like. At one point, years ago, I had it carefully planned out, it just took me a second to dig up those memories and recite them. The truth is, I thought I would have graduated college by now, I would be teaching English in someone's middle or high school. I thought I would be married or at least planning my wedding by now and looking forward to ushering babies into this world. The thought of all of that now makes me chuckle for a number of reasons.

I suppose my first thought is, why? Why was it, that at 14, that's what I was thinking about? Society says I need to go to college and graduate in order to be successful, thus happy. Tells us that we need a man (or woman) to keep us company and entertained, and that once you find that him or her the two of you will get married and have children so that they can start the cycle all over. Sorry, but I think that's funny. Not that there is anything wrong with that, if that's your life, but that simple formula can't possibly work for everyone. My second thought is Wow… given my current situation, I was way off. I have only completed, maybe one year of college, I don't even have a boyfriend much less a finance or a husband, and I don't know if I ever even want to have kids of my own.

My good friend Life, the master of duplicity.  I am happy. I am successful. My life is the opposite of what society tells me I should have to be those things. I've got a job that has taught me a lot about life, patience, and people. I have great friends both male and female who are my strength and my good times. They are my company and my entertainment. I've got plenty of nieces and nephews to enjoy without all the hard stuff for the time being, like changing diapers and bearing the late night cries of new or sick baby.

I know there are people out there who are hurting because of what they have been taught. Hurting because they think they have fallen short of expectations of society. People who are unable to be healthy mentally, spiritually, and financially because of the increasingly high demand to do what is "right" or "the norm."  I have learned that there isn't a right or wrong, just what is. The choices you make are your choices. They either build you up or tear you down. You either take the time to examine and learn from them or you don't. You either do what you want or you do what someone else wants you to do.

I want my baby sister, along with the other loves of my life to know that life is what you make it. I don't care if you wear fancy clothes, get a Ph.D., have a husband or wife, walk, run or fly; as long as you feed your mind, body and soul, with vibrant, nutritious, and wholesome things, success will follow you wherever you go. If you so happen to fine those other things along your path, consider yourself truly blessed.

Pride aside and fearless...

As I left the house the other day and shut the door behind me; I caught a glimpse of myself in the screen door and I realized that I had left without even looking at myself. I rolled out of bed that morning, brushed my teeth and washed my face. I did stop for just a moment while clearing the soap suds from my freckles to look into my own eyes for just a second or two. I then dressed, brushed my hair and gathered my things for work that morning.

I couldn't decide why this behavior intrigued me so. Did I not have time to pay the rest of my features some attention that morning? Did I honestly think that I looked perfectly fine and that my routine couldn't possibly fail me after so much practice? Or quite possibly that I simply didn't care what I looked like.

Riding down the road I looked into the review mirror in a self-conscience panic after I realized my carelessness. I re-positioned my ponytail and continued on my way to work. I feel like that's when it all of this started. About a year ago, I had broken barriers with insecurity and I thought I was past the issue until recently. I'm still not completely clear of my cultural and mental debris, it but I'm closer to where I feel I should be.

When I looked into the mirror that morning and into my eyes I wasn't paying them attention, I was more like touching base. Touching base with my true being without really knowing it and I don't really know any other way to put it. I was looking through my eyes, through the window of my soul. Does that make sense? My true being is where my confidence lies, where I see god and where I feel the most comfortable. My true being is  not controlled by my mind and insecurities. So, That morning I really didn't care what I looked like, because I know I'm attractive where it counts. It wasn't until I started thinking about the world I was headed out into that I stopped to rethink my look; thus the re-positioning of the ponytail. My hair is frizzy and my clothes are casual, Im not petite and I don't wear makeup; and although I prefer my glasses to my contacts, I know my beauty radiates from that being I did stop to look at the mirror that morning.

I'm 25-years-old and I'm learning how to live for myself; some people never learn that. I'm searching for and finding who I was truly created to be. I need to be comfortable with me in the midst of family, friends, co-workers, and managers as well as the strangers and passers by. The important people will see and appreciate who I am without the front, without the make up and without the clothes. At the same time, I'll wear the clothes if my true self wants, I'll straighten my hair and put my contacts in if I wish. I've been given this life to live. I'm going to live it, pride aside and fearless, I can say that this is me.