My First Love

When you think about your first love you could be thinking of a number of things. First boyfriend, car, or even a family pet, for some. My vision of my first love changed today. Now, when I hear those words, I think of God. He was my first true love. I remember standing before Him years ago, knowing what God's presents felt like. I remember the feeling of power and comfort as I returned to my seat and later home to begin living my life with Him. 

Years have past since I gave my life to Christ. I left, not lost him for a while, and now it's been years since I've rededicated my life to serving Him. Today my vision of His love was completed. Through the last couple weeks I've been concentrating on loving God, myself, and others. This past week the power of God's love was all I could think about. His patience, kindness, and grace. Forgiving me of all my mistakes and then turning those mistakes into valuable lessons that I needed to learn. He's constantly loving me and protecting me no matter what. 

I've been looking for the power. The power to stay awake when I haven't had much sleep. The power to think before I speak. The power to be patient with the ones I love and not judge too quickly or too late. I always knew these things were necessary but I also needed the power to manifest those things in myself; in my actions and not just my words. Like that first boyfriend I stayed up all night to talk to…God will give me the strength to do the same for him and more. He shows me his power when I keep beating my head against the wall with the same mistakes. He shows me the right way then sits back so that I may follow when I'm ready and understand. The ultimate teacher and friend. 

When I started this blog it wasn't my intention for it to be all about my spiritual life. I wanted to make sure anyone who wanted to take a look at me and see my experiences comfortably, could. I see now that I can't separate the two. This is me. God is in me and I'm doing everything I can to make sure that this is known to Him and the world. That you not only hear it but believe it. Not only read it on paper but really see it in my thoughts. 

I'm just as eager to please God now as I was that night my small knees hit the alter, probably even more. For now I know what that blood cost. Now I know the dangers and heartache of this world and all the protection and comfort I'm going to need to get through.  

-But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33 

I seek first his kingdom and I feel as if I have it all. God is my first love, my first and my last. 

*A special thanks to my church family for listening and sharing all God has taught you so that I might learn and see the light.

Dream with me...You're officially invited

I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's no better feeling than knowing you are right where you are supposed to be. I was getting nervous; wondering if I was working as hard as I should have been. To tell the truth I'm doing well. I met with quite a few people this week and I enjoyed them as much as I think they enjoyed me. I'm learning a lot from the people who have been brought to me and I thank God for those special people. 

For a long time I thought it was the city with the problems and issues but I realized this week that it's the mentality of it's residents that need enlightening. I should have known all along but I was looking from the wrong point of view. The hope has been run right out of this place, multiple reasons are to blame, I'm sure. I really don't think that's the important part though. I think the question is… how do we fix it? I honestly feel there are people and entities around that are trying to change that. I'm going to let them do what they can do, while I will do what I can do. Our efforts aren't manifested in the same way but we'll see what works and what doesn't.

I was struggling, trying to find time for this and for that. I caught myself saying several times this week, that I just didn't have anytime anymore. I realize now that I better get used to it. I realize that this will be my life. Giving myself to others for their advancement and me being fulfilled in the end, seeing the way they grow and take more from life. This is what I've wanted and I've been doing it all along. Every time I open my mouth to start a conversation. Every time I'm in a bad mood but smile at the stranger in passing anyway. This is my hobby. People. 

I don't know where this passion came from, my dad says it's in my blood. Some might say it was God or the way I was brought up. I feel it's a combination of all those things. What a perfect way to spend life. Getting to know others on a personal level and help them see that their dreams don't have to be ignored. They don't have to stay where they are, they can elevate their minds, spirits, along with the amount of money in their pockets. I encourage you to dare to dream. Don't be like the rest of those who are scared to. Don't be afraid to work hard for what you want. How else will you enjoy it when you reach that goal? 

I have been given every reason in the world to not care; to be like the rest. I just can't do it. I'm a dreamer. I've seen the way a little faith and discipline can mold my life for the better. I like it here, where I am on this journey but I know this is nowhere near the end of the road. It excites me to think about what will come next. It can only get better, I won't settle for less. 

For Auntie

Well two weeks down only…five more to go. This week I was lucky to have been shown even more. I feel like I've entered boot camp and the instructor is kicking my butt. I like it though. I can certainly feel the burn. Sorry for being corny but I feel like that is a great description of what's going on and how I feel. All week the message has been…It's time time to start moving. Time to start putting all those lessons, observations, and experiences into action. Don't talk about it, be about it. 

I was recently in school for Social Science, I decided I didn't want to do it. I have been learning out in the real world far to long and I'm just not ready for the classroom yet. I guess I can't get enough of the hands on training. The story is that I want to make a difference. I want to share God and his love with everyone I come in contact with. I want this poor dying city of mine to find a new light.

My dad called me yesterday and said, "You want to go into public service? Then do it. Start now, get out there damn it, and start talking to people."  As much as I hate to say it sometimes, he's right. I don't have to have a degree to know there are issues out here that need fixing and I don't need a degree to shine my light and lend a helping hand. I've got a voice, vote, and mind that when put to good use can serve me and this city well. It's time to stop being a watcher and start being a doer. I must be the change I wish to see in the world.  I don't feel like that's going to get done by sitting behind a desk eight hours a day or just complaining about it with my friends. I've got a good group of people around who can help get me started and that's what I intend to do.

I know people have a hard time realizing that real change can happen. I think about what tomorrow is and why I took off from work. Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream is slowly but surly coming to pass. It started with an Idea, a notion that one day things could be different. You think about what he and his followers went through. The sit-ins, the threats, and the jail time. The amazing things an idea can do when backed up by action and unity.

I'm really looking forward to this new chapter. Looking forward to getting into the worries and cares of those around me. I want to do this together. I want to get to the bottom of things and work out a resolution. 

Most of my friends think I'm too much of an idealist. I don't care. I don't care how crazy I sound or what people might think. I just know I'm not going to be a complainer. I'm not going to sit powerless and I'm not going down without a fight. 

Seven Days...

It's been about a week. No smoke, no drink and no sweets and in the words of Wanday…I'm ok with that :) I feel like a grown up. I feel like not only my heart is in the right place but my mind is starting to make the right moves as well. 

A couple weeks ago I didn't feel like I was the awesome woman I wanted to be. I mean, I knew I was on the awesome woman path. That destination was guaranteed because I knew I wasn't going to quit making progress until I was there. After a couple bad days and some much needed enlightenment at bible study I found that I am her and she is me. 

Months ago I felt like God was preparing me for a fast. I didn't know when or how but I knew that it was coming. I knew that the time was going to present itself and it was up to me to take ahold of the opportunity for growth. When my pastor mentioned a church-wide fast a couple months ago I was less than surprised, for I felt the change drawing near. She asked us to give up one thing we that we felt maybe distracting and/or hindering us from gaining a deeper relationship with God. After thinking about the fast for a couple weeks and trying to decide what I would be fasting it came down to three things that I felt would be good candidates for the sacrifice:

My smoking was a crutch; I used it to get through my day. When I felt bored or when I felt stressed that what I would do. Instead of calling on God to instruct me I would get hi. The expensive habit that It was, I knew it had to be broken. 

My drinking was something fun to do on the weekends and a way to let lose and feel good with my friends. Not a terrible problem. I wasn't getting drunk or drinking everyday or even every weekend for that matter but I know the liquor isn't good for me and a nice break could do me some good. I thought it might be nice to try having a bit of fun without it. 

Sweets grabbed me when I recently gave up meat. I started slow and gave up poultry, pork, and beef several months ago. I kept eating the fish knowing one day I would stop eating it also but wanted to pace myself. When I gave up fish and seafood a few months ago I turned to sweets for eating pleasure. The holidays were the worst, sitting at the dinner table with a baked potato and green beans on my plate. The Thanksgiving dinner I usually couldn't get enough of was heavily  laden with meat products, so I guilt-freely indulged on the meat-free pie that came afterward. I continued to eat my way though the holiday cookies and cakes until I realized I had an issue on my hands. I had become addicted to sugar. Without spending too much time Googling you will see why this is a terrible thing. Years ago I realized that if my body isn't well enough to do what God is asking of me, I'm worthless to the advancement of His kingdom. I feel like too many Christians fail to realize or get serious about the fact that physical and spiritual health go hand in hand.

Moving forward, I was at bible study one Wednesday night with a friend of mine still trying to figure out which bad habit would go, when I heard God's voice say, "Fast all three."

"All three?" I asked myself.

"All three." He replied.

I wanted to forget what I had heard but I couldn't. God said it and that settled it. Seven days down and I feel good. I'm not going to tell you this is how I have felt all week because it's not. Monday morning I passed a handful of items I wanted to get my hands on before I had even taken my first break. I find the sweets have been, by far, the hardest thing to get out of my mind but I'm doing well. I haven't even added sugar or honey to my tea. 

In my first week I've been shown many things about myself I never knew or just ignored. I thank God for the clarity and peace He has brought. I thank God for the strength He has provided and put inside me for such times as these. I'm seeing the power and speed in God as I learn to surrender and obey His will for me and not to my own. 

Pray that I may be enlightened further and my eyes opened wider. Pray I don't lose it when I pass the "Hot Now" sign at the Krispy Kreme down the street. Also, Importantly, pray for your own revelation and see what God has for you.  

Happy New Year

I woke up a little before noon in a bed that wasn't mine. Funny enough, I wake up in a bed that isn't mine everyday (thanks for sharing Wanday) but this morning it wasn't the same strange bed that is now familiar. I know what you are thinking… and you can stop. It wasn't a strangers bed nor was there a stranger in the bed beside me. I drank an awful lot of rum last night at a friends house and decided that I should stay the night. So I picked a bed and slept there, instead of risking me getting arrested or killing someone while driving home. Waking up in this unfamiliar bed, I was actually being responsible; how about that.  It's interesting to me how things can look crazy from the outside but still be the best and most reasonable decision when it all boils down. 

By what could have only been a miracle of God, I woke up without a hangover. No headache or vomit,  just hungry. From the walk to my car and while riding home I felt nothing but peace. Peace in my heart and mind, peace seemed to be blowing warm air through the vents of my Toyota Echo. I had my gospel mix in the cd player and sang aloud thanking God for another beautiful day and year. It wasn't too cold outside and I felt good in the bright new sweater I was wearing. I can feel the good things that are coming this year. I feel the change in me and my surroundings. 

This year I didn't make resolutions, I have switched to promises. I can't wait to see myself carry them out. My motto for 2011 is: Do Better. Think smarter, learn faster, love harder, and smile while doing it. I have no complaints. I'm exactly where I need to be. I know from the outside my life looks like a complete disaster, but that will all change soon. I've been rebuilt from the inside and that renovation is about to expand to the outside as well. I am a new creation in Christ and I am finally starting to see myself as the wonderful person my creator intended me to be. No more excuses or saying that "I'll try," no sir, it's go time and I'm on the move. 

In this new year opportunity will be seized and I will walk the road less traveled by. 

I wish you luck on your endeavors this year and I will keep you posted (literally) on mine.